south dakota.

adventures in south dakota were so much more relaxed than nyc. got to see barker, who is about to hit her first anniversary as a staff photographer for the Rapid City Journal. spent the few days there catching up on sleep, playing fetch with her dog, moco, drinking coffee and experimenting with ear candles. yes, ear candles. quote of the trip was taken from the ear candle instruction paper: "never endeavour to candle alone." indeed.
went thrifting and saw this beautiful land camera. i only wish i had a more disposable income, room in my suitcase, and film to fit.
moco still thinks he is a puppy, so he likes to jump in your lap even though he's probably close to 70 lbs now:adventures in ear candling:
exploring rapid city and accompanying ms. barker on her first classroom speech:
never made it to rushmore, but i guess that's incentive to go back to visit! loved the excitement, but it's good to be (somewhat) home again.

nyc.

life has been a crazy whirlwind of madness for the last week, so now i will try to make up for it with far too many posts in a short amount of time. thank goodness for free wireless!

as promised, here are some photos from the eddie adams workshop / new york city / south dakota adventure that swept me away for two incredible weeks. for all the anxiety-ridden sleepless nights that lead up to the trip, it was more fun than i could have imagined. the workshop was wild, just a bunch of incredible photographers from all over the world in this tiny town in upstate new york. it was inspirational to listen to speeches by photographers i've looked up to for years, to see old friends and to finally put faces to names that go with pictures i've seen on blogs and in newspapers. and much thanks to the family i photographed while there, who kindly let a total stranger from california into their lives to photograph them for two days. all-in-all, just as exhausting as i imagined, but well worth it.

in the interest of keeping this post short-ish, commentary will be minimal for the sake of the HUGE amount of photos. well, huge for me at least.

so here are a few from the workshop:
my favorite photo from the Bury family story:friend & incredible photographer amelia phillips at the giant bonfire on the last night:i wasn't kidding about the exhaustion. just ask jessica and maxon:from there was the great NYC adventure. everyone was racing to meet editors and see the city, which, by the way, was so much bigger than i ever thought. many, many thanks to bryan and his roommates for putting me up for a week, you kids are awesome.
a lot of time was spent on the subway:a rad banksy exhibit at the village pet shop and charcoal grill:
portrait session on the roof of paul's apartment, which is a great way to spend a night in any city when photographers are around:
and one EPIC adventure to rockaway with alex. there are so many things to be said about this adventure, but i don't have the words to explain it. we might do a slideshow with our own voiceover to tell the story.... and then again, we might not. but if you get to hear the story from one of us, be prepared for hilarity that comes with weeks of sleep deprivation:so that's it for NY. i'll follow up with a few funny photos from adventures with one of my best friends ever, photographer kristina barker, in south dakota. so here's one last photo from new york that i think sums up my feelings about the whole trip. at the lorimer station of the L line:

fear.

new york city.

it's the one place on the planet i really never wanted to go. the one place that, upon finding out i would have to visit, made me lose sleep for at least a month. for as long as i can remember, i've had this unfounded fear of the hustle-and-bustle of nyc. so many people. so many places to go. so much rush. the thought of it always left me with a knot in my stomach and an unshakable anxiety.

then the worst possible thing happened: i was accepted into the eddie adams workshop. don't get me wrong, being accepted into the workshop was an incredible honor, and was something i'd hoped for almost desperately over the last few years. but it meant i would have to face my fear of the big, scary apple.

i'll post more later about the actual experience there, but for now i can say i survived. but there was one thing that shook me worse than i would have expected, and it set the tone for a week of madness that i had doubts i would make it through. sitting on that plane, staring at the neverending lights of nyc, i wished so badly i could call my dad for strength. it was the worst thing i could imagine, facing that terrifying, gaping city without the safety net of his consoling words. and even though the last few months have eased from sadness into the comfort of forced ignorance, this one moment just about broke me.

i had a conversation with a friend in the city about personal loss and its toll on your photography. i figure that, in this case, there are two kinds of people. there are the people that take that loss as a sign that life is short and run head-first into every experience from that point forward. then there are people, like myself, who internalize that loss. every day that i photograph, every person i meet on assignment, every picture i take, i fall in love a little bit. i think that if you really love this job, you have to. but with every love, there is loss when you have to leave, when you're not sure if you'll see that person again. so every day is a little love and a little loss, over and over again. so while some people are loving and losing and embracing that, i find myself hesitant to initiate that cycle again because i'm almost paralyzed with the fear of those little losses.

i love to take pictures, and i love that i can almost survive by doing exactly what i love. but for the last few months i've found myself too scared to do it. and if there's anything worse than fear of loss, it's the realization that you've already lost and you have no idea how to save it.