today i shot the most difficult assignment i've ever shot.
i had to cover the funeral of a two-year-old boy.
i have never felt so unsure of myself and so obtrusive. there's no way that i can see to turn everything off and do my job. every movement, every weak smile of apology, every click of the shutter that echoes through the entire church.
it's so hard.
to watch a family grieving over a tiny casket, even when no one is telling you to stop watching, stop clicking. it was impossible to press that button. i think i only took 30 frames, but they were the most difficult 30 frames of my life so far.
my chest hurt. my stomach hurt. my lungs would not breathe. my eyes watered, on the brink of tears. but this was not my grief, not my place to grieve. i was there to photograph, and i think i failed. and i went to the office and cried in the photo studio.
now i have to photograph my next 2 assignments like any other day.
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2 comments:
i dont know what i would do in that situation... id like to think i would just tell my editor 'you know i dont want to- fire me then"
i remember i met Ben Fernadez that shot all the MLK stuff. He told us about when he told some magazine that they had to ask the family's permission to use the shots of the funeral. they said "if you dont give us your negatives you will never work as a photographer again." he told us (almost exact quote) "so i said 'fine fuck you' and i became a teacher"
i just hope i dont have to be put in that posiosn... i hope that if i find myself taking the hard shot its because i put myself there for what ever reason, and not because of some news bureaucrat telling me its 'news'
but being fired would blow balls too... hard.
did you at least get anything?
Hey,
you did good. don't worry about your editor. I'll kick them for you if you want.
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