insomnia.

the ability to sleep has evaded me so much lately.

maybe it's the night shift. or maybe it's the constant melody of car alarms and neighbors screaming.

either way, i can't close my eyes for more than a couple hours a night.

and i don't know if it's the lack of sleep making me lethargic at work, or the constant anxiety that i can't seem to make a good photograph on assignment that keeps me in this creative slump. every day, every situation, i pick up that photo request at work, grab my camera, and my stomach clenches up. i smoke a cigarette, waste as much time as possible, and at the last second i race to the assignment, hoping i haven't missed anything, but secretly wishing i have just so i won't have to shoot. even for the most visual, simple shoots, it scares me stupid.

on friday, the only assignment i had was a car show in north stockton. easy enough. three hours of people hanging out, looking at colorful cars in the sunset. i mean, i couldn't ask for an easier gig, right? so i took a deep breath, smoked, paced back and forth outside the office, then sped north on the freeway. i parked a few blocks away so that i could walk and hopefully gain some composure. or at least grow some balls.

i get there, and it's perfect. golden light, families walking around in the street, kids with bright colored balloons. and still, my hands are shaking. i walk quickly through the rows of cars, hoping no one notices me as i fumble with the camera. don't look at me. don't smile at me. don't make eye contact.

so i start with a simple task: just take pictures of the cars themselves. don't worry about the people. the people will come later. look at the colors, the textures.

i take some snaps.

ok, that wasn't so bad.

i take a few more.

alright, let's work some reflections. let's find some bright colors. let's shoot some interesting shapes.

think abstract.

after about an hour, i realize the sun is setting. fast. shit. shit shit shit. i need at least one good photo that can run in the paper, and they're not gonna like this abstract shape crap. gotta find some people. gotta get my shit together.

deep breath.

and then it's fine. i walk around nervously, take some photos. "excuse me, hi, i work for the paper, can i get your name for a photo caption?"

"sure! of course! did you get a photo of my car?"

wow, people are actually stoked that i got their photo for the paper.

this never happens.

i gain some confidence. this isn't so bad. snap snap snap snap. name, car, hometown, why are you here. jot it all down with a red pen, tuck the notes in a safe place.

half-hour until the end of the car show. an hour until deadline.

i walk the few blocks back to my car. slow deep breath in. exhale.

and after all that, the photos run on an inside page in black and white. even so, it wasn't a waste. at least for a short time, i could take some pictures.

and i think for five minutes, i managed to keep my hands from shaking, my heart from racing.